While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
