How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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