I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
