i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
