I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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