I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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