you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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