You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
