I can text with my tongue
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize