come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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