I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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