please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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