Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
