I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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