forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
