Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
