Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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