The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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