just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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