so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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