When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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