I want to have your abortion
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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