come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
