Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
