he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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