Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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