I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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