did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
