Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
