this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
