she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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