This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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