I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
