After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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