Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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