She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
