Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
