From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize