I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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