I am spending my child support on dildos
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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