I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
