im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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