We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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