got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
