one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
