Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
