i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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