No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
