He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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