i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize