my vag is so smooth its legendary
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize