12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
