my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
