if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
