I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
