I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
