I smell stomach acid.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize