Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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