somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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