help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We left the knife in your bed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
