Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
