oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
