I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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