I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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